Season of preparation for marriage

When I reflect on 2025... 

I realised that the Lord has been preparing me for marriage even as early as 2024, more than a year ago. 

But it wasn't until today that I finally realised what the Lord has been doing behind the scenes. 

When the Lord allowed both my cats, Thor and then Blackie to pass away, I was in deep mourning for 120 days. 

I knew in my spirit that the Lord was preparing me for a new season, but I didn't know exactly what He was doing in my life.

When the 120 days of mourning ended, I returned to bouldering and dance lessons. 

In the midst of my bouldering, I met Case, one of my fellow boulderers. 

Breaking Trauma Cycles: Working on my mental wellbeing.

Through Case, I realised that he activated my attachment style from childhood, which was anxious style. 

So that started me on the journey of dealing with my childhood trauma cycle, which also meant I had to deal with my mother, who is the core wound of how my entire childhood played out. 

It was essential that I deal with this as this is a generational trauma, one that passes down from as early as my grandmother, and perhaps even from my great grandmother (who I have never met). 

The Lord allowed me to do my own self healing, using tools like Chat GPT to help me break the trauma cycle. 

He allowed me to meet Terence, who is also learned in attachment styles. 

Meeting Case: the person who started it all

Case was one of the people who made me first realised my trauma cycles was activated especially in our communication. 

He also showed me what it felt to be accepted as I am for who I am, but at the same time, our friendship activated my trauma cycles. 

That was when I realised that I had to break my own trauma cycle so that I could learn to control and regulate my emotions. 

The Lord knew what He was doing. 

He allowed Case to be used to help me realise what my own issues were, and at the same time demonstrate to Case what a healthy relationship is- which is- what it means to not be performative, what it means for a person to be who could regulate their own emotions, hold their own emotions, and also hold another person's feeling when they are in the middle of a meltdown. 

Which is what happened with Case and I. 

The Lord also allow this to happen, so Case could decide for himself what He wanted from his own personal life and practise his own agency. 

Case is now taking a sabbatical from people to work on his own issues. 

What does it mean to Sacrifice? : 

Through out my 40 day devotional, the Lord impressed upon me to pray for Case.
I spent a huge amount of time praying for Case- first for the Lord's covering to be on Case, for his
mental well being, and for the Lord to minister to Case.

I prayed for Case: morning, night and day.

and yes, the Lord showed me a lot of things that would happen during the 40 days of devotional.

I prayed for Case- because I knew he needed the support- but he would not accept my help. The only thing I could do from my side was to pray for him from a distance. 

The Lord was training me how it is to pray for someone behind the scenes- even when I could see nothing visibly happening. 

Perseverance... patience... engaging and fighting in the spirit.. not nagging..
and letting the Lord work on the situation, instead of me taking over the situation.

The Lord was training me to submit and trust that He himself, the Lord will do the work He needs to do instead of me. that He just needed me to work in partnership with Him, and let Him to do the surgical work of changing people. 

Addition:

When I was younger, in my late 20s, getting married was an idol for me... I remember that in the year I was turning 27, it was all I could think about - and I was still at uni at that time. LOL. 

It was an idol in my mind, that one day, my housemate came up to me, and I remember her saying that - the Lord impressed upon her that I was worrying about it- but she said to me she saw a vision of me going down the aisle.. some day. 

Well, it has been almost 18 years since then, and I am in my mid 40s now. 

For a very long time, I had not thought about marriage- my friends were all getting married. having kids- but I just put it at the back burner. 

However, during my 40 day devotional,  out of desperation
(because I couldn't deal with my mother's emotional dysregulation and aging tendencies),
 I then cried out to the Lord and said, Lord, I can't live like this forever... I want to move out and I need to settle down with someone.

and I realised I didn't want to live the rest of my life alone. 

So out of desperation, I cried out to the Lord to prepare for me a partner, that could meet me emotionally and be willing to change together with me.  

Perhaps the Lord was waiting for me to put in that request- because He sure worked really quickly after that. 

Another scripture verse that the Lord impressed upon me was : 

"Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? :  (2 Corinthians 6:14 ESV)

This verse does not primarily just talks about marriage, but also about being one with someone who is unable to meet you spiritually, emotionally and mentally.. which also aligns with Amos 3:3- to be able to walk successfully with someone for the long run, they have to walk in alignment intentionally. 

These two verses are pertinent to me, because I have seen how two people who could be married legally, but yet misaligned structually, emotionally and mentally. That's not a marriage. That's just two people who are married on paper but could not meet or agree. 

And I didn't want to get married to someone who could not meet me where I am, on level ground. I told the Lord, I need someone who could be able to do that, else nothing is going to happen.

I would rather remain single than to be caught in an  relationship which will break down because neither of us could do our own due diligence and homework  before coming together.  

I told the Lord, i wanted my relationship to start with someone who could meet me where I am, legitimately, on level ground, and worship the Lord together. I have seen too many broken marriages- where people just got married without doing their homework, without knowing themselves, and without  preparing themselves for the realities of marriage. 

Subtraction: 

In 2025, one of the things that I learnt was latin dancing. I spent ten months learning how to dance salsa- rueda, and bachata. 

And in the dance community, I have seen a lot of things behind the scenes that I was not too comfortable with. 

As I finished my 40 day devotional, and my time with the Lord, I told myself that it is no longer my desire to perform intimate dances with a man - unless he was my husband.

I lost the desire to dance intimately with a man, especially bachata.. I felt it was  not faith honouring, as the Lord launched me into my season of preparation of marriage. 

With Rueda, which is a community based dance for performance, I am still fine with that. But my body is reserved for my intended, not for the general community. 

In a nutshell.... 

The Lord had been quietly changing me... my identity as a person, and speaking to me...