Spiritual: Leaving the land of Ur

It is not easy. It's just not easy to trust God. It is not that I do not know He is not there.
If you want to know how I am feeling now, I think the best person I can describe to you is probably Lot's wife.

Lot's wife when asked to leave Sodom & Gomorrah, made one last look at the city of S&G and was instantly punished by being turned to a pillar of salt. I can tell you, I know for sure how she feels. And that is about the nearest to what I am feeling and thinking inside.

I know I should not make anyone else, nor any other being as my source of strength & comfort.
Not even my husband, or a boyfriend for that matter.
But there have been times I have been so tempted to do so. To make someone else as my source of strength & comfort. I really resisted doing that. To just not bother.

The point is, if I make someone else my source of strength & comfort, there really is no point in trusting God, right?

It just is so hard. It is really hard. It is so hard that I can just cry so hard.

I just don't like to cry. I just don't want to cry. But I still cry the same.

It is just so hard.

I wish I don't have to cry.

I wish I don't have to feel sorrow.

But I do.

And it hurts.

It really hurts.

I know too the part where Abraham was called by Jehovah to come out from the land of Ur, of the Chaldees to some unknown land. Some great unknown. to the land of Canaan. (present day Israel, that is).

I know the story where Jehovah called Abraham to put Isaac on the altar and at the same time believing that Jehovah will provide the lamb for the slaughter (which Jehovah did after all).

Man. I know that. I have re-read that story like so many times. I have heard it like countles times.
I have friends who keep tellng me about it. It can get pretty sickeningly annoying sometimes.

I really I wish I had such great faith. Especially in times of sorrow. I hope. I really hope.

I need to vent. Sometimes I just can't take it anymore.