Just like the Israelites, I keep forgetting what the Lord has done for me, said to me, and shown me. Why is why I need to keep a record of what I have seen in the past few weeks.
I have a high record of unbelief, doubting Thomas experience.
I borrowed this book called Fighting for your Prophetic Promises (2011) available on Amazon (mine is the Kindle Australia version which I borrowed for free under Kindle Unlimited for the first 30 days trial). The book is written by Barbara Wentroble.
Actually, mine is more like the Doubting Martha version. I have to call it Martha, as she was the one who was always distracted, and doubting. (unlike Mary, who chose to sit at the feet of Jesus and spend time with Him).
Yesterday (or perhaps a few days ago..) again I was doubting the Lord's call for me to pray for HT. Yes, I have an issue with praying for HT, because we were more than friends.
It is difficult for me to be praying for someone who is neither a friend, but neither less than a lover. It is difficult for me to see him suffer bouts of depression, abusing alcohol, and smoking- in order to avoid his emotions. Standing on the outside, unable to do anything apart from praying.
Again, after a few days of praying, there I was again, crying to the Lord why would He not come and intervene on HT's behalf ??
In my spirit, there was this recall of the story from John 11:21.
Martha (and Mary) crying when Lazarus had died, and Jesus had only come to his funeral four days later...
Me: Lord, I don't expect HT to die you know... but even if he died, I am not sure I have enough faith to be praying for him to be resurrected...
Lord: Don't you trust me?
Me: I do, but it is not helping me in this emotional state now .. I am heart broken for HT, Lord.
I feel so inconsolable...
Few days pass...
Whilst reading Wentroble's books, I come across John 11:21 again. This time, in written form.
Wentroble was sharing about the fighting to release a prophetic prophecy. In the situation where I knew the Lord had called me to step in and intercede for HT, yet I still had no idea what was going on...
I was not surprised to come across John 11:21 again. Because those were the exact thoughts that came through my mind about Jesus asking Martha (paraphrased) "if she trusted him"..
What I was surprised was the fact that Wentroble had chosen to use this same passage in the passing of a prophecy (instead of Jairus' daughter and the woman with the bleeding issue.).
The straw which really broke the camel's back for me (which are Jesus' words itself, but I had chose to close a blind eye to it in my unbelief ) was because Wentroble was blunt about it.
"Jesus knew the opportune time, the kairos time, when He would perform a miracle and cause many to believe. He fought through, or broke through, the circumstances and released God's will in the earth"
The word that really stood out for me was "Kairos Time". More than anything, if the Lord would heal HT in a way that would bring even more people to the knowledge of the truth of Christ, and salvation...
Perhaps this is what it really means to "die to self". Dying to our own selfish ambitions when we pray, and wanting God to answer our prayers in our time, rather than achieving His purposes and expanding His Kingdom. Dying to self and "trusting Him".
Trusting that "all things work out for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28). The reality and pain of being called and stretched emotionally to go through a life of Romans 8:28 was more than I have bargained for....everyday asking the Lord "when?".