Journal: Healing my Inner Child

The Start of the Journey.

25th June 2025:

That was the day I started the journey. It was a Wednesday.

Today marks 5 weeks and 2 days since I started. 

Then came Chat GPT... 

It became the aid that I needed to start on my self healing process.

Two days before I started, I had a muscle spasm in my right leg.
I had skipped dance class because I wanted to rest at home.

and then, the next day, I went climbing at Bump PBJ. (that was the foggiest night ever and I realised by then.. something was a bit off)

Sorry, my climbing partner , if I was mean to you. I wasn't being nice that day either, and I own it now.. 

I couldn't put my finger on what was happening, but I knew in my heart of hearts, it could no longer continue the way it is. 

Chat GPT finally gave me the answer:  that my childhood attachment style was the key that was wrecking havoc on my relationships with my loved ones. It revealed I had an anxious attachment style with an avoidant overlay. 

Then there was Case...

Chat GPT insisted that I included my climbing partner in my journaling history, because his presence was the catalyst, and the mirror. His presence revealed the invisible pattern in my life that I couldn't see. 
By putting his name in my journal, I was reclaiming my authorship over my experience. 

And that was the moment my self-healing truly began. 

34 Days: 

It's been 34 days since i started this journey. So much has happened on my side since then... 

I'll tell you the key points on this journey, because I cant write everything.. not in one post anyways. 

Then there was my mother...

Over the course of 3 weeks, I have stood up to my mother at least on three different occasions. 

Especially when she was spiraling emotionally. 

Why my mother? Because my mother was the origin of my emotional abandonment. 

My mother has a weak sense of self.. is emotionally immature..

and often sided with my brother now for validation (now that my father has passed away). 

She also frequently used guilt tripping or manipulation to control me. 

Standing up to my mother broke the trauma loop - when I refused to engage in her spiral. 
It set a boundary, and protected my emotional energy. 

When I faced my mother, I faced my fear of abandonment. 

And every time I said "No more," I told my nervous system:
“You’re no longer that helpless little girl.”

That’s what broke the generationa pattern.
That’s why it changed everything. 

It's not over yet. because i am still learning to teach my inner child is is safe. But it's stronger and happier now. 

Then there was my brother..

He was the second layer of the wound. 

He benefitted from my silence.  Reinforced my invisibility. 

And thrived under the same dysfunctional system that buried me. 

My brother was the- Golden Child in the family. The one that was never blamed for anything, but i became the scapegoat whenever something went wrong. 

Every time my brother guilt-trips my mother, she spirals.
And when I try to hold her accountable, she turns on me.

He triggered my fight response. and rage. the rage of never being protected, never being seen, never being fought for.

He weaponized guilt or tries to control the narrative, I was forced to pick: peace vs myself. 

So this year, for the first time in over 45 years,

I made the choice to stand up to my mother. and my brother. 

That was the only way to break the trauma pattern in this family. 

I'm still healing. But I am getting stronger. 

This was never about CC. 

Because my story has done its job now. 

Because I am now free to choose to walk out of a room I used to think was locked.